On writing Facing the Curse
In writing my novel Facing the Curse, I had three basic goals in mind: one, portraying Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) accurately, at least based on my personal experiences; two, drawing attention to domestic violence in gay couples; and three, providing an example of a healthy gay couple. And while I achieved my three goals, I got to have fun along the way.
Goal One: Portraying DID Accurately
As I’ve discussed before in a previous article, Dissociative Identity Disorder is usually portrayed in insulting and hurtful ways. Novels and movies alike tend to use DID as a plot device, and almost without exception, the person with DID is a killer. It’s the basic and very old Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon: there’s a nice “personality,” or rather self-state, and an evil self-state, who is a killer. Even in murder mysteries where the person with DID is shown acting in self-defense, the story is still the same: Mr. Hyde came out and killed someone! Oh, no!
Let’s cut the shit.
In real life, people with DID rarely commit murder. Criminals who want to get away with their behavior sometimes claim to have DID, which slanders the DID community. Not only does this not justify their crimes, because courts have already ruled that DID is not an excuse to commit crimes, but it also creates a negative perception in the public eye that is completely unwarranted. Further confusing the public, committing a crime while in a dissociated state is not the same thing as having DID. There are many other dissociative disorders. However, dissociation does not increase the risk of committing a crime or committing murder. Dissociation is a state of confusion, nothing more.
Well, I have DID, and so does my life partner, Keith. So it’s time someone set the record straight. Someone who actually has DID will show you what it’s really like. In fact, of my eight completed novels, four of which are in press, I have three that portray characters with DID. Accurately.
In Facing the Curse, the protagonist, Tito, has DID. At first, he is unaware, and he must undergo the process of self-discovery. I don’t want to include too many spoilers here, but I will say it was interesting trying to condense my experiences into a novel. In order to lead Tito through this process, I called upon both Keith’s and my experiences. Every person on the planet has a unique brain, and so every person with DID has at least a slightly different experience. Keith already knew when he was a child that something was wrong. He was aware of losing time or suddenly being in a place he didn’t remember arriving at. Objects, like hairbrushes, he couldn’t remember moving would be in places he didn’t remember putting them. I, however, had no such experiences. I reached the age of 43 without suspecting anything. It is a myth that DID is obvious or easily diagnosed, and I was a case of someone who appeared to abruptly have DID as an adult. I couldn’t hear my other self-states (often called parts in modern clinical settings and formerly referred to as alters). So until Oct. 2020, I was clueless. I started Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy for PTSD in July 2019, and after a year of treatment, I began to hear the voices of my other self-states. EMDR works by “rewiring” your brain, so this actually isn’t surprising. Only then did I begin remembering my childhood trauma, unlike Keith, who had remembered part of his all along.
Keith and I together brainstormed how I could show Tito’s DID “unfolding” as he becomes aware of his other parts or self-states. I was under a lot of pressure in Oct. 2020, given I had contracted Covid, and Keith’s and my DID symptoms are always the worst when we’re under massive stress. We discussed Tito’s psychology and decided that the violence and stress in Tito’s life would be the most likely culprit for triggering the “unfolding.”
While Keith’s self-states awakened slowly over the course of many years, and only after he began EMDR therapy in 2013, I had the opposite experience: my self-states awakened rapidly. For the first month, there were only four of us, but then our brain took off a like a race horse. We began awakening so quickly my therapist nearly panicked, afraid the sudden onslaught of recovered traumatic memories would cause a mental collapse or nervous breakdown. Actually, I didn’t suffer a collapse, but my fear of it shows up in Tito’s story.
The details of Tito’s life are, of course, fictitious, and Facing the Curse is not an autobiography. Keith and I spent hours in discussion about how to portray Tito’s journey. In fact, Keith spent hours on YouTube as well, watching videos by others with DID from all over the world. He discussed with me the wide ranges of experiences being reported, and we took them into account as best we could. Either way, Keith and I worked hard to bring my audience a realistic and sensitive portrayal of DID.
(And here’s a public thank you to Keith for hours of research and for reading my various drafts.)
Goal Two: Shining a Spotlight on Domestic Violence Among LGBTQIA Couples
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